LUST
THINGS I LEARNT FROM THE GUYS I MET LAST SUMMER
Artwork by Eritrea Studio
I never really met you in summer. We were together last summer, in fact. And last year, you were still mine in summer. Summer for me has became a feeling and no longer a season. Before, when I say it feels like summer, it means I feel happy. For the reason that you still loved me last summer, and that made me happy.
But this summer is different. I no longer have you. And everyday I suffer from the daily reminders of you everywhere around me giving me insane nostalgia. And I don’t know if God wants to change my miserably pathetic habits of missing you so much that he introduced me to different guys this summer. And that was nice until one by one, each of them has started to become one of the reminders about you.
I met this guy online. A friend of a friend. For days we would talk about the most random topics and he would understand me and he would relate to me. He says the sweetest words and is ready to fulfil my wanderlust dreams. My friends tell me he’s the perfect guy for me. And I remember how last year, when I tell my friends stories about you, you were the perfect guy for me. His words aren’t sweet enough to compare to yours. They were incomparable to how your words healed me and bandaged my uncontrollable negative thoughts that were replaced by positive thoughts about life. I never was a religious person but your words had the ability to change that. You understood me more than anyone else. You were willing to love me no matter how broken I was, thinking you could be the cure to my damaged mind. And you were. The way you tell me stories about your childhood took me to priceless adventures in your mind that I know people rarely can go to. He reminded me so much of you I had to ditch him for the reason that I can’t love him with someone else still in my heart. He knows it’s you. He knows because I talk about you to him like you’re some kind of precious jewel that I just threw in the ocean. He knows because when he asked me about the people I loved, you’re the only one I mentioned.
I met this guy through my best friend. I don’t know how to start writing about him because I don’t want to. Yeah sure, his words are sweet. He puts so much effort in trying to see me everyday, even just a glance at me. He even talks about my body and thinks it’s beautiful. Everytime he’s free he would text me because that’s how much he wants to talk to me. He’s like a reminder of how you accepted me as I am without wanting to change anything. Not just my body, but who I really am. You took care of me more than I did for myself. And I still remember so well the way we talk to each other, each word bringing us closer. Each word making me love you more. And before, I was the most beautiful girl in your eyes.
I met this guy four years ago, but I got to know him just this summer. His eyes are full of stars in them, and I fall inlove with them over again each time I glance at them. And when he smiles, his eyes crinkle and it’s just the loveliest sight ever. And it reminds me of why I fell inlove with you at first sight. It’s just that you don’t have stars in your eyes, you have galaxies in them. And that may sound like the most common metaphor ever but your eyes take me to different worlds I couldn’t find a more accurate description. Your eyes only crinkle when you’re really happy and I miss seeing them almost everyday and I miss being the reason behind that smile.
But last summer, all you did was to try and make me fall out of love with you. Your messages were not as sweet as your words before, you never complimented me the way you did before, and you never made an effort to see me personally in two straight months. You just fell out of love with me, and I don’t know how it happened. But in my side, even though I don’t get to look at the most gorgeous sight which are your eyes, even though I never get to hear your voice that could calm the waves in the ocean, and even though I can’t feel the love you made me feel before, I still was able to love you with all of my being. It was summer and yes, boats are supposed to drift away from the shore to go to somewhere with a better view. But you’re not a boat and I’m not a shore, why did you drift away from me? Unlike the sea waves, you would pull yourself away, but you never would come back. I am blinded by the hope that the wind is just too weak for it to bring you back to me. But it has been a year since it took you away from me. I guess I’ll have to take back what I said earlier. I did meet you in summer. I met the real you. You’re the boy that has ocean eyes deep enough for me to drown in. You’re also the boy that has words sweet enough to overpower the saltiness of the sea. And you’re also the boy that reminds me of the sunset, very beautiful, but always leaving. Summer is still a feeling for me and not a season. Now, when I say it feels like summer, it means I feel sad – sad because every damn guy I get to know reminds me of how beautiful you are and how they could never compare to you. Just like the summer season, they’re temporary in my heart. And darling, I guess I am your summer season.
