Monday, April 18, 2016


It was Saturday afternoon when thoughts of you came over me again. Whenever I think about you, I always try my best to avoid it. Why? Because I know that it will consume me again and the next thing I know is that anxiety and emptiness will constantly hit me up with no assurance when will it end.
It was hard for me to accept things though I always keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. Ever since I met you, my definition of happiness changed. From the usual teenager going out with friends and doing stupid things together to a girl, not actually a Princess spending her time with his Prince Charming. Ever since I was a kid, I was a fan of fairytales and I always consider myself as a Princess. You came into my life in the most unexpected time. I never thought that a warlock or a male witch who used to bully me in grade school would be my knight in shining armor in high school.
The start will always be good. This is where a simple good morning text from you already completes my day. We spend most of our nights together jogging around Ayala Triangle or cheating  our diet to Chicboy’s liempo and torones. Everything was so magical even before you told me you like me. Definitely just enjoying each other’s company and nothing but pure bliss. Then you said you love me.
I didn’t say I love you too right away, instead I made you say it again by asking you what did you say. We looked into each other’s eyes and with conviction you said I love you for the second time. And from that moment, I told myself that I will entrust you my heart and I will love you from that day on. We hugged each other for the longest time, as if we didn’t want to let go. Your arms wrapped around me made me feel safe and secured. You made me feel home.
4 years. We were so comfortable with each other, we knew each other to the very core. My family likes you, they treated you as if you are already a part of the family. We talked about our future like what do we want to do right after college. Our plans of travelling together, especially you bringing me toJapan because you know how much I wanted to go there. Our plans of getting married after 8 years of being together and making our very own family with just two kids. Deciding whether to live in a condo or a real house. And lastly, we shared of how big our dreams are for ourselves. All my life, I am trained to plan ahead. I am particular with my timeline. But you, on the other hand, hate planning. You are the type of person who is very relax, go with the flow and hates planning the future because you told me that you believe that it is better when life surprises you with this-and-that rather than being disappointed because the outcome is different from the set expectations.
As they say, nothing in this world is permanent except change. And so things changed unexpectedly. While I am so focused on planning my future with you, you are so busy creating your future just for yourself. From our love making us feel like on top of the world to a downhill. You chose your friends over me and it made me sad because I am willing to choose you over anyone. I would rather spend my day with you driving around because I know how excited you are with cars, discovering new restaurants and trying out different meals because we both love eating or simply spending the entire day in your house being lazy and doing nothing. I wanted to be your priority because you are my priority, but I can’t fight for that position in your life. I can’t force you to do the same things I am willing to do for you. You ended up spending almost every night with your friends and going home at 3 o’clock in the morning which made me so worried of you. I am worried in a sense that you lack sleep and I don’t want you to get sick and I don’t want you to be absent nor late at your morning classes. You didn’t understand that. It tore me apart, I felt lesser and lesser, doubts are starting to get in, I am in dire need of your assurance, I am slowly getting tired but I always remind myself that this is just a phase, an obstacle that we will both overcome and make through. But we didn’t.

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